If only I could
imagine my failings
as distant and not
breathing down my neck
clung to my spine
If only
I could
close my eyes
to starched clothing
and sharp jaws,
big, well-fed arms
Turn my shoulders
to face young faces
pancaked with a need
to be seen by me
Plant my feet and
know that I am
worth noticing
If only
I could imagine
everyone knew the shame
of loneliness
The numb, sweaty
pads of fingers holding
open doors to
people you wish
would speak up
The sore neck
and back of
piss filled bladder –
when relieved,
returning
to an empty bed
Dead air passing
someone too young,
but beautiful enough
that you don’t care,
but you should,
but you are
alone
If only
I could imagine
a moment unconsumed
by trivial pity
and instead
of honest reflection
and here I still write
feelings clung to the
brain stem and planted
behind my eyes
I am alone in the pity
surrounded by others
reaching through a thin film
and waiting
for me to break the seal
If only
I could imagine
a day undisturbed
by the thoughts
of the others
No warrior was ever this absorbed
and here I am
dreaming of soldiers
If only
I could imagine
standing straight
and looking in the eye
those others
I deserted
and let the man
come through,
ejected from within me